Like the whereabouts of a heartache
Like a childhood gone by
Like a chinchilla gone missing
Like the silences of the oud
that night
Like a windblown smile
that has faded too young
Like the taste of your hunger
Like the rest of the race
Like your face ablaze
with a familiar song
Like the crackling on the radio
before it all went out
Like a lingering smell in the bedroom
where no one remains
Like the hairs on the back of your hand
when you calm my hair
Like your laughter ringing on
between walls of trees
Like the frame hanging empty
on an emptier wall
Like the shreds of a canvas
in the shadows forgot
On a sidewalk, by a hydrant
waiting to be stolen
1 comment:
As a whole, it adds nothing new to my faculties. I know you had something in mind when you repeated "Like" many times, but this repitition personally struck me as somehow enfantin.
"Chinchilla" line is good, but it is overpowered but the even more, well, powerful proceeding "oud". Maybe because it mentions something "ethnic" of which I know? Very likely. The proceeding story of the smile that has faded too young is as beautiful, partly because it has more occidental features that are less powerful and more delicate. The contrast is delicious. "The taste of your hunger" is very good. The fact that "your face" is "ablaze" gets redundant with "Antequerra", but the fact that it is ablaze "With a familiar song" is nice. "Like a lingering smell in a bedroom
Where no one remains" is just exquisite and outstanding.
The most beautiful lines in the whole poem, however, are "Like the frame hanging empty
On an emptier wall". They are off-foot-sweeping. Astounding. Breathtaking.
And still the poem in a whole lacks power. The details overpower the whole.
love,
Ton frère Ahmad
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